COMMISSIONER GORDON’S FANTASY FOOTBALL 2006 OFF-SEASON REPORT #1

Well sports fans, here we are at the start of the 2006 MLB Season, kicking it off with an 11-2 loss to the Marlins – so my thoughts instantly turn to FOOTBALL!!!  It’s not that I’ve given up on the Astros; not in the least!  They are, always have been, and likely always will be our home-town heroes and I believe they will make another run for the Series this year – with or without Clemens.  The truth is that I’ve had a hard time letting go of some things during the NFL off-season:  It’s been difficult NOT to think of the fun we had in our first season together.  I’ve missed the camaraderie we shared in our playful message board banter.  Mostly, I have been unable to forgive the Pittsburgh Steelers for screwing me out of my flat-screen TV; and though I want to be happy for Jerome Bettis, I can’t stop wondering if I could kick Ben Roethlisberger’s ass.  I know he’s just a QB, but he has a wily look about him that kinda scares me.

ANYWAY, this is my first ever attempt at a “newsletter” so please be patient.  Also, it MAY be too early to start thinking about football, but I have actually read an article or two lately on some of the off-season happenings and thought you guys might be interested in some info (nothing that will save you from my wrath during the fantasy season, but MAYBE a thing or two worth reading).  If nothing else, it’s never too early to get the trash talk started, or at least share some opinions about the happenings around the NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA, or whatever other sports league you like.

The NFL Draft:

If you don’t know already, the NFL draft is set for the end of the month (April 29 and 30 I think).  I’ve never cared before, mostly because I don’t follow college football, BUT this draft may be exciting since we have the first pick.  From the looks of things, the Texans are probably going to follow my expert advice (as they did with replacing Capers) and grab Reggie Bush.  Now many have said that doing this is really only good for trade bait, as we already have a solid back in Davis, but I say we need to use the somewhat injury prone Davis to trade for O-Line upgrades and keep the next possible “Shaun Alexander or better” that we now have available.  Bush is faster, has better hands, is younger, and so-on.

Other Texan News:

Everyone knows we now have Kubiak as our head coach.  Personally, aside from the fact that anything is better than the stupid look on Capers’ face, I think that the Kubiak hire is the best move the Texans administration could have made without also replacing Davey Carr.  Kubiak is a QB and a QB coach, PLUS if we go with the pass-catchable Bush in the lineup, AND use Davis for O-Line upgrades, AND have our new TE Putzier (who can catch, but not necessarily block so well), AND now that we have Eric Moulds on the roster (more on that acquisition later), IF little Davey Carr is EVER going to become a real QB, NOW IS THE TIME!!!

So we hire veteran Eric Moulds and pair him up with Andre Johnson – so what?!  I know that Andre Johnson was a let down last year to fantasy owners (myself included), BUT he was injured, and the Texan passing game really sucked anyway, so I don’t hold it ENTIRELY against him.  He’s a pretty solid WR.  Moulds also disappointed last year, BUT he was also on a rather stinky passing team that’s been smelling worse and worse for the last several years AND the season before last, Moulds was still able to be a fantasy producer in spite of the environment (I know, he was on my team in ’04).  If Kubiak can fix Davey and the O-Line, Moulds will turn out to be one of the better hire’s of the short life of this team.  He may be getting older, but he’s still got plenty o’ game, and his maturity and work ethic that I’ve read a good bit about will teach / lead the little ones on the team so they aren’t wetting themselves on the field each week.

Though I was disgusted with the Texans this past season, a few more right decisions, and I MIGHT get excited again.

Terrell Owens:

I hate to even mention this punk, as I’m sure he’ll somehow find out that I did and his ego will swell even more, but I have a question… 

WHAT THE HELL ARE THE COWBOYS DOING???

A year ago I was convinced that he was just a poor, misunderstood super-hero.  This past year proved that, though he’s an excellent athlete (maybe the best athlete at the position), he’s just a punk.  He reminds me of Dennis Rodman – I always said that if it weren’t for his ability to rebound, he’d be flipping burgers at McDonald’s because no one else would have him.  I see by this and other moves that the Cowboys are looking for a strong season this year and I respect that, BUT THAT THING THAT T.O. DID ON THE STAR – TWICE!!!!!!!  How can any Texan forgive that, EVER???  Now I’m not saying that I’ll necessarily boycott the bum when it comes time for the fantasy draft.  No, if I pass on him it won’t be an issue of morals; I’ll try to use him like the cheap little tramp that he is if I think it’ll help me win the league, but part of me hopes that in the first game of the Cowboys season, that AT LEAST the whole crowd stands and boos and throws things at him, if not rushes the field and whips his butt!

Wide Receivers Mourn:

Speaking of T.O., and also Chad Johnson, Steve Smith, and others; how ‘bout them new penalties for end-zone shenanigans?

The Biggest Football Fans:

I saw three different interviews last season with NFL players where they were asked their opinion of Fantasy Football.  One of them approved, but you could tell by the look on his face that he thought Fantasy Football was something you played on a yacht or in a hotel with under-aged cheerleaders.  The other two players, though not against it, expressed concern that Fantasy Football takes away from the true football fan by not allowing a fan to cheer for their home team in as much as an individual player performing specific tasks win or lose.  Having been paying more attention to the off-season happenings than ever before, I’ve come to the conclusion that anyone who feels that way is full of HORSE CRAP!  The truth is that the Fantasy Football owners are the biggest football fans on the planet!!!  NFL Team Owners, Coaches, and Players have no loyalty what-so-ever to each other, the towns that they represent, or the fans that cheer them on each week.  A salary cap issue was blamed for Steve McNair showing up to practice only to be told he had to leave!!!  That’s correct; Steve McNair got thrown out of practice.  The team says that they are afraid he’ll hurt himself while they are in the process of straightening out the salary cap issues and then they’d have to pay him (which is what they agreed to do when he signed his current contract in the first place).  Brett Favre, my personal hero, is taking his sweet little time to decide if he’s going to return this year.  From a team perspective, they need to know whether or not to focus on finding a replacement.  From a fan perspective, “C’mon Brett, I got your back all season while your game was in the toilet, don’t leave me hangin’!”  Players, coaches, and owners are only interested in the difference between $10 million and $12 million.  A normal person cannot be an effective fan in this environment!  A normal person can’t love the home team when their favorite player leaves after a season or two, only to find a new favorite player who in turn leaves after a season or two, and so-on.  A normal person doesn’t go to a sports bar and cheer non-stop for hours because the normal person only has one game thus only so many opportunities to be a fan.  A normal person will never show up to a football party wearing a Packers jersey with an Eagles helmet, Raiders jacket, Cowboys foam finger, and Patriots koozie.  No, the real fans track their teams, their players, and their stats daily.  Real fans bite their nails and have sympathy pains when their players get injured.  Real fans, those exceptional few of which we are a part want to win more than any mere mortal (mostly because we want the big screen TV).  Real fans ALWAYS have something to cheer about; because REAL FANS PLAY FANTASY FOOTBALL!

COMMISSIONER GORDON’S FANTASY FOOTBALL 2006 OFF-SEASON REPORT #2

It has come to my attention that at least one of you did not read my last news letter – you know who you are.  Obviously, hard work, dedication as your commissioner, and passion for friends and football mean nothing to you – you loser, low-life, utter swine… SOCCER LOVER!!!!  Seriously though, it’s all good baby!  I’m making my list.  We’ll see ya during the season…

ANYWAY, it was also suggested that the last news letter could have been shortened into two, so I’ll work on it.

NFL Schedule:

Here’s a handy link to look up team schedules:

NFL Team Schedules on Sports Illustrated

This information won’t help you with fantasy football – NOTHING CAN SAVE YOU FROM MY WRATH – but at least you can plan your beer drinking schedule with it!

Ode to a Dead Lover (by Christopher Holder)

Your horns, how they shone in the morning sun;

How they glistened with the blood of thine enemy in battle.

You were young, but mighty;

Inexperienced but wise beyond your years.

Oh how the roar of your lovers did echo;

How their cheer deafened your enemy.

They colored their flesh with the paint of war;

They danced before your fire.

Alas your time was short;

Your flame snuffed while you were still a youth.

Your strength faded until no more.

Where wisdom thrived, senility now reigns.

If only you’d listened to your brother’s advice,

If only you’d considered those who love you,

You would have selected Reggie Bush with your first pick

And wouldn’t now be lying dead in the hearts of your kin.

You may rise again – yes live great beast!

Though the journey will be long,

The enemy’s spears will pierce,

And the lovers cries will be the only sound you hear;

You may return to grace – but only if you make the playoffs this year!

In the meantime, GO ASTROS!!!!!

Speaking of the 'Stros: 

What a great start!  I think I read that this is the Astros best start since 1972 or something like that.  Also, if you can find a copy of the Chronicle Sports section from 4/17, there’s a pretty funny story ragging Drayton McClain (sp?) on the situation with Clemens.  It’s a mock conversation between the two – pretty good stuff!

National War Poodles League Season 2:

IF we have enough people sign up this year, at the request of my lovely wife, I have agreed to have an “All Girl” league.  This will happen only if we have at least 10 people of each gender sign up.  I’ll do the commish. thing for that league, using the same rules for both leagues.  We’ll name the girl’s league something manly like, the “Texas Toe Jam League” (JUST KIDDING), anyway we’ll cross that bridge when and if we come to it.

Other than that, I decided to wait one more newsletter to publish all the details for the season.  I’m looking at having that info to you next month.  Actually, I’ve been thinking about putting together a web site for my family and having an FFB section on it that I can use to post some of this stuff, but we’ll see how that goes – I’m no web guy!

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